Why I'm Done Recommending Churches | Welcoming vs Affirming
For years, I’ve been asked some version of the same question:
“How do I find an LGBTQIA+ affirming church?”
I’ve answered that question more times than I can count. I’ve written guides, recommended resources, recorded videos, and spent countless hours helping people navigate the difference between churches that welcome LGBTQIA+ people and churches that truly affirm them.
I’m drawing a boundary.
Not because I don’t want people to find a spiritual community that feels like home—I do—but because I’ve seen far too many people invest their trust, time, labor, and belonging into churches that presented themselves one way and revealed themselves to be something else entirely.
The difference between welcoming and affirming matters.
Transparency matters because people deserve clear answers before entrusting a spiritual community with their well-being.
I am no longer willing to do the work churches should be doing themselves. If churches want trust, they should be willing to earn it.
A Note about Church Clarity:
I am aware that Church Clarity has recently undergone a significant reorganization—new nonprofit status, a formalized board of directors, new leadership, and repairs to the database infrastructure that had gone dormant.
I acknowledge that work and I respect that someone cared enough to rebuild rather than walk away.
Their re-org looks promising—when I checked my former church, it is “undisclosed” on their LGBTQIA+ policies. However, it still is listing two segments of a cherry-picked sermon that would seem to indicate this church is an affirming church, when it is not. There is also an appeal button that can be used to dispute any designations for churches on this site, but that appeal submission seems to be directed at churches desiring to be included or “verified” on Church Clarity’s website.
Until I see what their reorganization brings in the way of accountability, transparency and ways to dispute churches listed on this site, I will not recommend them as a reliable source. That’s the standard any resource asking for our trust should have to meet.
I’ll remove any comment or recommendation directing people to Church Clarity until such time I feel comfortable recommending them. If you feel strongly about recommending them, feel free to recommend them on your own platform to your own followers.
From my writing: They’ll Take Your Tithe, But Not Your Truth
The issue is if they were truly on the side of LGBTQAI+ infividuals and wanted to have them in their churches, they would state it plainly on their websites and be inclusive in their worship services.
In the mid 10's I noticed multiple LGBTQAI+ individuals who said they were in church but that it felt one-sided or worse... it was a sick version of, "Don't Tell, We Won't Ask."
It pains me to see that you are now starting to feel similar rejection, judgment and outright hatred from your old community of belief. Out of everyone I have met in over 30 years representing belief in any form you are the sole individual I can say has maintained my respect and dare I admit, garnered trust.
Thank you for your continued work to mending the hearts and minds/souls of those who have found refuge under your wings of grace, leadership, knowledge and kinship. The church has a great deal to learn from you.
Dobs
I can no longer enter a church. It is difficult even for funerals and I am a death doula end an end of life companion so it isn’t the service and Honoring it is the hymns and messages. And just the energy So many masks. I can’t wear mine any more in a church setting anyway
What has been bubbling up for me for a while now is this : my faith in myself, ln energy of love that holds me has grown larger and still does once I stepped away from organized religion. Faith to me and for me doesn’t need church or sermons or for me even Jesus.
I have Left church completely. I don’t even need to defend this with anyone any more or mention I’ve left if they share what is important to them. I listen and move on if need be.
The more I honor what aligns and serves me the less I need to defend my oath to anyone
What church did provide was a community of people who served beyond themselves a way ti meet friends. Or so i thought. Once I left a women’s Bible study of ten years to go to work, I never got a call from one of the ten women. Just the hello at church on Sunday. Telling
And yet as someone who has moved a lot and started over
I grew weary of potatoes needing to be cut a certain way to cook and be mashed! Grace was the deer friend I had that I companion still. Grace was not a verb in church.
And as I sat in church listening to readings and songs and sermons, it was this same type of path….ONE way to do something
I continue to remove words and phrases of my conditioning as a Christian , as a woman carrying the water for the patriarchy before I knew I was doing this!
I don’t shout it out I continue to simply embody what serves me and take that out to whoever I meet
And slowly I am finding my circle no my horseshoe. A horseshoe has no closed ends!
Allows for others to join if I shift a bit!
Faith in trusting the uncertainties the ambiguities
Is it church we need or is it a community filled with grace , love , open hearts and compassion??