A Spiritual Path Without Church

Why Leaving Church Doesn’t Mean Leaving Spirituality

Look what you made me do [kidding: I’m responsible for my own actions]

A few days ago, I posted a video in response to white Christian women victim-shaming a woman who had been the victim of someone in a church-type leadership position. Christian patriarchy teaches women that this type of behavior is not only acceptable – it is sacred. After all, who is better qualified to correct other women than women, right? Within patriarchy, it is a requirement to be the first line of correction for a woman defying the patriarchal order. If you have ever felt the sting of being “called in for a correction” or a “check in with your spirit” meeting, then you know what I’m talking about.

This type of behavior reflects a deeper, more disturbing problem that women within the deconstructing Christian community often exhibit – entitlement and privilege and a sense of spiritual superiority.

I’ll admit I was angry when I recorded that video – something I try to avoid when recording. There is, however, a time and space for righteous anger, and this felt like one of those moments.

My candor may have had a sharper edge than some were accustomed to, but I was long overdue for an open and honest conversation about how we – the unchurched – are treated. How I would say it without offending someone prevented me from moving forward.

Now?

Now, I realize that I cannot allow the risk of offending someone to be the catalyst for my silence. Throughout my deconstructing journey, I have lost close friends, church colleagues, and even family members who openly mocked me or were angered by my turning away from my religious heritage. There is almost a 100% degree of certainty that those who hold onto the weapons of patriarchy will be offended by this writing.

I understand their response more than they know. There was a time when I also had to face my own indoctrination that convinced me of my spiritual superiority. Facing that mirror and admitting that the very foundation of who you are and what you believe is built on a toxic system of abuse, power imbalance, and lies? I can certainly attest that it is earth-shattering and life-changing.

And so, for those of you who are here who:

➡️Left church with no desire to return.

➡️Do not need to defend, explain or justify their spiritual journey and what they now believe.

➡️Are inspired by nature and creativity and embrace that solitude can be just as sacred as community.

➡️May often long for the gathering but would not compromise their personal agency for the sake of community.

➡️May identify as a spiritual wanderer, independent, spiritual but not religious, agnostic, doubter, or any label that fits their journey – or use no label at all. It’s all sacred.

➡️Are unchurched and unbothered….

This is for you.

I am your people.

Claiming the Space of the Unchurched

The unchurched space is where I have belonged for a long time, much longer than I openly admitted it. If people assumed that I was the pastor of a church or looking for a church, I was content with them believing that of me. It never occurred to me that my hesitancy to admit that I was happily unchurched stemmed from my own indoctrination that convinced me that being unchurched was a stigma.

Over time, something began to change within me. First, I began to see a few troubling patterns. The first is similar to the story I shared at the beginning of this writing. In the deconstructing spaces, the loudest voices in the room as the “authority” on deconstructing is often the churched Christian. Whether intentional or not, this has led to a dismissal or minimizing of those who had permanently left church.

As they say, “this didn’t sit well in my spirit.”

The other troubling pattern is the belief that the unchurched are flawed or broken. Churched Christians simply cannot comprehend that we the unchurched are content with our decision to live life beyond the community of organized religion. I even had a pastor scoff at the notion that this is a valid path, saying “it simply doesn’t make sense.”

No, sir. What doesn’t make sense is not opening your eyes to see that being unchurched and spiritually independent is a valid and sacred path for some. This mindset is not exclusive to fundamentalist churches – in fact, the pastor who dismissed my decision to be unchurched was a minister for a progressive church.

The False Assumptions About the Unchurched

The churched Christian response to religious decline is often self-focused: What are we doing wrong? How do we change to bring people back? But they refuse to ask the harder question: What if church itself is the problem?

Instead, they engage in three common dismissals of the unchurched:

1. The Project Mindset: “You just need to find a better version of church.”

2. The Enigma Mindset: “Why would someone abandon church entirely?”

3. The Self-Reflection Fallacy: “We need to tweak our programming to bring them back.”

None of these acknowledge the core truth: Many of us left because we saw the harm church as an institution perpetuates—patriarchy, white supremacy, homophobia, power abuses, and spiritual manipulation. Even more important to acknowledge that the patriarchal structure upon which Christianity was built is still prevalent inside many Christian churches, including progressive ones.

We are not leaving because we couldn’t find the right fit; we are leaving because church itself is built on structures that perpetuate oppression.

There are deconstructing Christians who have deconstructed and stayed in church. Some of them respect those of us who have left completely. But many do not. Too often, they see us as a project to fix or a problem to solve. They believe that if we just found the right kind of progressive, affirming, justice-oriented church, we’d come back into the fold.

We Are Not Broken—We Are Spiritually Independent

It’s important for those who have deconstructed out of the church to find language for who we are now.

Many of us embrace the identity of spiritual but not religious, spiritually independent, or mystic seekers. Our spirituality is no less meaningful because it happens outside of a church building. If anything, it is freer, more authentic, and deeply personal.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s sermon, The Transformed Nonconformist, speaks powerfully to this: We are called to be nonconformists in a world that is in deep need of transformation. His words remind us that nonconformity isn’t about rebellion for rebellion’s sake—it’s about stepping outside of the status quo to pursue deeper truth, justice, and spiritual integrity.

King used his faith to stand against the very institution that so many of his fellow Christians upheld—one that was complicit in white supremacy, injustice, and inequality. Today, we find ourselves in a similar space. Many progressive Christians cannot understand why those of us who are unchurched don’t just try to reform the church from within. The answer is simple: We don’t believe the system can be redeemed.

Claiming the Unchurched Identity

This blog is not an argument. It is a declaration.

No. I don’t have a church.

I don’t want a church.

And I’m not unfinished or incomplete because of it.

I am unchurched.

I am not lost.

And I am not seeking a way back.

For those who have left the church and felt pressure to return, you are not alone. Your spiritual journey is valid. Whether you identify as spiritual but not religious, spiritually independent, mystic, agnostic, or simply unchurched, or no label at all, your path is sacred.

You are not a problem to solve.

You are part of a movement of transformed nonconformists reclaiming spirituality beyond the walls of the church.

And that is a powerful, beautiful thing.